Colombian rebels plan against Miss Universe Pia Wurtzbach


Rebel soldiers of FARTC mourn and fired rifles to the air over the events that happened in Las Vegas, Nevada. Sources said that they will now issue a 50% supply moratorium to the Nevada Cartel.

BOGOTA, Columbia — Colombia’s largest rebel group Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias Terroristas Colombianas or FARTC yesterday issued an engraged statement on what appears to be their suspicion of foul play on the recent Miss Universe 2015 where Miss Colombia Ariadna Gutierrez took home second prize.

The South American country’s representative was declared Miss Universe 2015 for a minute, but only due to a major error by host Steve Harvey, who later stopped the Colombian party and clarified Miss Philippines had won.

FARTC demanded the pageant organizers to return the crown to Colombia with threats of house arrest to Queen Pia Wurtzbach who would be taken to their hideout Naboo. The FARTC representative Col. Maloliente Enojado said that their federation  plans to carry out the abduction before the annual pod race scheduled December of next year.

“If they would want to rescue Queen Wurtzbach, they will only accept as negotiators United Nations Col. (Ret.) Qui-Gon Jin and his aide-de-camp Lieutenant Obi Wan Kenobi.

It is common knowledge in Colombia that the conflict between FARTC and the organizers of the pageant goes a long way back since the regular spite with Donald Trump, the previous owner of the pageant.

Col. Enojado said, “Durante mucho tiempo he odiado Donald Trump. En palabras de Achmed el terrorista muerto, ‘te mato.'” (For a long time I have hated Donald Trump. In the words of Achmed the Dead Terrorist, “I kill you.”)


Miss Universe 2015 rigged by secret society


LAS VEGAS, Nevada — A new information came out a few hours after the the controversial crowning of Miss Universe 2015. The secret society Illuminati just released information that they were directly involved in the rigging of the recent Miss Universe 2015 held in Nevada where Miss Philippines Pia Wurtzbach won the title.

“We wanted to make a statement to the government of Colombia that you can’t cut our weed cartel from us,” says the Illuminati representative giving a press release at an undisclosed location in Nevada.

The Miss Universe 2015 contest has ended in confusion and disarray after the host mistakenly named the wrong woman as the winner.

Ariadna Gutierrez Arevalo from Colombia had already been crowned and was standing on stage to cheers from the Las Vegas audience when mortified host Steve Harvey returned to announce the error.

“This is not the first time this has happened,” said the Illuminati representative. “Harvey’s mistake is not the first time the wrong woman has been named the winner of a high-profile beauty pageant. In 2010 during a live television broadcast, Australian host Sarah Murdoch read out the wrong name in the finale of Australia’s Next Top Model.”

Meerkats deposed for praying on school grounds



A gang of meerkats was recently removed from the school grounds at Bremerton School Middle Degree (BSMD) in Washington for praying under a heat lamp positioned inside the school.

The district officials of  BSMD,  demanded the meerkats “to stop prayering under the heat lamp.” The meerkats leader, Larrynotpa explained in a letter to the district officials, “Prayering is not a word, does not qualify to be a gerund.”

During a news conference on Wednesday, the meerkats said that they will appeal their removal to higher authorities and has agreed to stop praying under heat lamps, according to KIRO-TV. “We’ll just work on our current quantum adaptors and try to generate energy to supply our need for heat in this cold climate.”

The gang of meerkats called Fabulous Five, who entered school grounds in 2008, is now represented by religious rights group, the Liberty Institute, which is taking up their case.

The legal organization on Wednesday sent a letter to the school district asking for it to rescind its directive deposing the meerkats from their school grounds.

CNN reports arrest of Pinay disrupting Duterte rally in LA


Screenshot of CNN breaking news on the arrest of anti-Duterte terrorist Fe Ciega Desatinado after she threatened Duterte rally in LA with religious curses raining down from heaven.

LOS ANGELES, California — Philippine election campaign heats up in Los Angeles County, CNN reports.

A support rally for the Philippine presidential candidate Rodrigo Duterte by the Avalon Los Angeles County Philippines Association (ALACPA) was disrupted Wednesday by a knife-wielding anti-Duterte supporter who rained down curses to the rallyists. Fe Ciega Desatinado, an LA County resident, was arrested by Avalon police officers and was immediately taken into custody.

The mugshot (see picture above) shows a distraught Desatinado who had violently resisted arrest and injured an Avalon cop. Police confirmed a 7-inch knife possessed by Desatinado. Records confirm that Desatinado is a Filipina national who migrated to the US 18 years ago.

Police reports said that Desatinado confessed that she was a deaconess of the Westboro Baptist Church and that her mission is to tell the world that all Duterte supporters are demons, womanizers and involved in extra judicial killings.

“All Duterte supporters must know this,” Desatinado said in a written affidavit, “if you elect an immoral candidate you are all immoral people.”

As of today, Desatinado is locked up in the Avalon Precinct awaiting further investigation.

Bombed ISIS Prophets Join Chorus vs Duterte’s Cuss Words


ISLAMABAD, Pakistan — Under the rain of bombs from Russian jet fighters, the prophets of Mullah of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (MISIS) said on Tuesday that presidential candidate and Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte was simply out of the line and had no justification for uttering cuss words against the Holy Father Francis.

“It was simply sharmuta for him to say that,” said MISIS Prophet Mehron Ali-Foonga.

Meanwhile, Prophet Rabashika Rabakanda, the president of Ohab Yoma School of Prophets now based in Iran, said he stands by the statement of the Catholic Bishop Conference of the Philippines in decrying the cuss words of Duterte.

“I find [Duterte’s] statement insensitive to say the least. Makachut. It is unbecoming of someone who aspires to be Philippines head of state,” Ali Foonga said.

JV Hinlo, PDP Laban Western Visayas, said Duterte was not cussing at the Pope but at the five-hour traffic caused by the inefficient traffic handling of the government during the papal visit. Hinlo said he would like to throw the ball to the electorate in picking their leader.

MISIS said anybody should think twice about being rude to the Holy Father, a head of state and certainly not an ordinary person.

“If we show respect to a leader of a nation, it is also not desirable to speak ill of the Pope,” he added. MISIS also stressed that everyone deserved to be respected — whether a pope or an ordinary person.

This new MISIS and Holy Father tandem is part of the growing global response to decry the failure of Duterte to meet simple basic ethical standards.

FLASH NEWS: Duterte gets as celeb endorser Mura


Philippine politics takes campaign fever to the red carpet.

Political elections have always made excellent salesmen-cum-candidates via celebrity endorsement. Presenting a familiar face is one of the fastest and easiest ways for campaigns to create political associations in the minds of the electorate.

In a recent bold move by Liberal Party standard bearer Mar Roxas, he hired teen actress Kathryn Bernardo as his celebrity endorser.

Not to be outgunned, PDP-Laban front runner Rodrigo Duterte said he has a celebrity endorser in the person of comedian-actor Mura.



Duterte defies terror threats with ‘I am Rody’ shirt & The Finger


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PDP-Laban front runner in the 2016 Philippine presidential race dons a shirt emblazoned with a picture of him giving the finger and the words ‘JE SUIS RODY’ in a bid to stop the terror threats of radical extremist group the Roman Catholic Coalition Against Libel and Atrocities or RC-COLA.

MANILA, Philippines – A defiant Rodrigo Duterte who has always been repelled with wearing t-shirts wore one for the first time in his life. The tucked red shirt was emblazoned with a “Je Suis Rody” print to anticipate the retaliation from radical Roman Catholic terror group similar to the Charlie Hebdo attacks.

The alleged terror threats were in retaliation  of a slur that Duterte spewed to Pope Francis. Neither RC-Cola and Duterte were mum on the full text of the terror threat. Asked about this by a local news reporter yesterday in an ambush interview, Duterte replied, “&*$%^ ka nakita mo nang umiihi ako!”

In a televised interview on November 30, Duterte said in a joking tone,

Gusto kong tawagan, ‘Pope  putang ina ka, umuwi ka na. ‘Wag ka nang magbisita dito. (Pope, you son of a bitch, go home. Don’t visit here anymore.)

This comment drew flak from the Roman Catholic faithful prompting Socrates Villegas of the Catholic Bishop Conference of the Philippines to issue a public statement saying,

When a revered and loved and admired man like Pope Francis is cursed by a political candidate and the audience laugh, I can only bow my head and grieve in great shame. My countrymen have gone to the dregs.

Villegas clarified that he was not referring to Catholic liberals with this statement but to Duterte himself. The Duterte camp blames their atheist supporters and lost Alma Moreno followers for creating those laughter.

RC-COLA is a growing terrorist group. It has experienced a 100% growth this year alone. Composed of two people whose initials have been leaked by Edward Snowden as Tito and Kurdapia, they said that the growth this year is a testimony to their growing popularity.  In a secret press release last year, group/tandem leader Kurdapia said that their group is the counterpart of the Islamic terror group ISIS.  To date, they haven’t done any terror activity in the Philippines but said they are “carefully gaining fund” by stealing cashier donation cans in Jollibee and McDonald’s.

RC-COLA has not issued a statement concerning the terror threats on Duterte.

Meanwhile, senatorial hopeful Alma Moreno issued a statement today concerning Duterte’s recent Pope slur but entirely misses one letter but adds a few more.